Office Prayer
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today
because they pissed me off.
Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as
they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Life as a Male
When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen,
she cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met.
She made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
What I've Learned
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just morons.
I've learned that it takes years to buildup trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
When I Die
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."-- Jim Larkin
Chickens
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineers backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a perfunctory 3-word memo:
"Thaw the chicken"
Dog Quotes
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" --Unknown"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
-- Gene Hill"In dog years, I'm dead."
-- Unknown"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-- Aldous Huxley"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-- Fran Lebowitz"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
-- Nora Ephron"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
-- Dr. Tom Cat"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
-- Unknown"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
-- Christopher Morley"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
-- Josh Billings"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-- Holbrook Jackson"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-- Unknown"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-- Smiley Blanton"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
-- John Steinbeck
